33 Things About Me + A Break From the Gram

33 things you probably don't know about me.

I am taking a holiday from Instagram. Once or twice a year I take an extended break for my mental health. It’s not really planned, but more so an intuitive nudge that it’s time. I can always tell when it’s time to step away. The world seems to buzz at a higher than usual decibel and the hours I spend on my phone tend to creep up at an alarming pace. My nervous system starts feeling taxed, the comparison trap sets in, and I start to wonder what I am even doing with my life.

I felt the break coming on a couple of weeks ago. I sort of freaked out at my intuition for nudging me in this direction at this seemingly pivotal moment when I feel open to sharing my truths online. But along with this whisper to share these truths is another little voice that says, “there is another way.”

I love Instagram for the community of women I have come into over the last couple of years. I am somewhat addicted to the deep, meaningful conversations we have been having in the comments of each others’ posts and in our dm’s. I truly feel a deep connection with many women I have met on Instagram. Some of us now text daily. Some of us have connected in real life. And many of you are here, reading these newsletters/blog posts/ramblings because of Instagram. This makes it very hard for me to step away. It creates a sense of FOMO and a genuine feeling of missing you all and connecting with you there.

What I would love is to take everything I love about Instagram and implement it here. I want to start a conversation here. In this space. Where we can be more intimate and really get to know one another. Where we can give one another the time instead of getting caught in the scroll. I want this to be like coffee with a friend, where we speak our truth, laugh, cry. Where we share our visions, our hurts, and our hards. And most of all, a place where we celebrate the small stuff that makes life feel like a total win. Those confetti joy moments that give us the courage to get back up and do it all again. And when we leave the table, I want us to feel full. Soul-full. The kind that only comes from those deep meaningful connections and conversations.

Can we do that? Will you help me do that?

I think we should start with an introduction post. Kind of like your first post on Instagram. I’m going to tell you 33 things about me. Will you please tell me 3 things about you in the comments? Vulnerability, transparency, and radical honesty are all encouraged and accepted here.

33 Things About Me

1. I got married at 18.

2. I had my first child at 19, my second at 21. Motherhood saved me from myself.

3. I am very Southern. But not in the not so good ways like some of my family.

4. I am proud of the lineage of women I come from. Sadly, I don’t feel this way about my mother. It’s very hard for me to say that.

5. I left home at 16. The FBI was living across the street.

6. I like to keep about 3500 miles of distance between me and my parents. I still love them. It’s complicated.

7. As a child, I would fall asleep next to my little brother while our parents screamed at and abused one another. I hoped I could take his pain away. I still wish I could.

8. My grandmother raised me. If it weren’t for her love, I don’t know where I would be today. I am more like her than my parents.

9. I start a lot of projects. I don’t always finish them. I am working on this.

10. Last year I got rid of 90% of my closet and started knitting myself a wardrobe.

11. There are certain things I see regularly, like signs, that remind me of loved ones that have passed. It makes me feel like they are near. Nana- a blue heron. My mother-in-law- a red tail hawk. My brother-in-law- wild mushrooms.

12. For many years I thought the world would be a better place if everyone would just listen to me . Hi, I’m Jessica. I am a recovering control freak.

13. I’m bossy.

14. I didn’t wear closed toed shoes until I was 18.

15. I feel deeply connected to my husband. I feel like we’ve done this a million times over in past lives together. I love him fiercely.

16. Sometimes I feel lonely, yet I regularly long to be alone.

17. I haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

18. I am very clear on what my life purpose is. It has nothing to do with how I make money in this life. Sometimes I wish it did—I’d be rich.

19. My ex-husband abused me in all the ways. I don’t miss finding him with his dick in hand watching porn all day everyday.

20. I once found a pocket pussy in his shower. I was bathing my kids at his house.

21. I had friends in high school who bragged about doing cocaine with my dad. They thought it was cool. I am still mortified.

22. I am a feminist.

23. I bagged groceries for tips at the commissary on Andersen Air Force Base, Guam. I used the money to leave my ex-husband.

24. I have $180,000 in student loans and some fancy degrees I don’t use. I feel like society sold me a lot of lies as a single mother. I am paying for them now.

25. I finally feel comfortable in my skin. It only took me 40 years.

26. I had a secret love affair on an island in the South Pacific. I married him.

27. Breast implants nearly killed me.

28. Growing up, I caught my lunch and dinner in the bay behind my house.

29. I have been high on a lot of things, but none of those highs are as good as feeling all that life has to give—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

30. My first concert was Pearl Jam. They performed Ten. To this day, my favorite song is Black.

31. My greatest accomplishment is raising two amazing young women.

32. I was arrested at the age of 18 for under age drinking. This is still on my record.

33. I modeled for Marlin Magazine. I was 4 years old.

Your turn.